Thursday, February 22, 2007

Jokes & Comix

Jokes …

Satan Goes to Church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, 
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, everyone is 
evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the 
fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man 
and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do. "Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't. "Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?” The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." 
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, 
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess. "The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" 
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, 
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?" 
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Guess Who's Wanted?

Wanted By:

the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,
the NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,
the NOW for not choosing a woman apostle,
the ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever harms children, it is better that they had never been born,
the INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions,
and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit.
Guess Who?

Growth For The 1990s Generation
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe.

Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

The Baby
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a cesarean." Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby.... but I vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian."

Awful Jokes

Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? 

A. A pool table.

Q.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? 

A. A stick.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. What’s E.T short for?
A. Because he’s only got little legs.

Q. How many letters in the alphabet?
A. 24, E T Went home!

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? 

A. He sold his soul to Santa.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Atheist?
A. He doubted the existence of Dog.

Q: How do you get holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

Career Path

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.

So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

Monastery of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may now say another two words, Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John. The Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today, Brother John."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably for the best," said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."

God’s Crowd
If you think you are holier than thou and God needs you, you are probably in the wrong crowd!

Moses stuttered.

David's armor didn't fit.

John Mark was rejected by Paul.

Hosea's wife was a prostitute.

Amos' only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning...

Solomon was too rich.

Abraham was too old.

David was too young.

Timothy had ulcers.

Lazarus was dead.

John was self-righteous.

Naomi was a widow.

Paul was a murderer.

So was Moses.

Jonah ran from God.

Miriam was a gossip.

Gideon and Thomas both doubted.

Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.

Elijah was burned out.

John the Baptist was a loudmouth.

Martha was a worry-wart.

Mary was lazy.

Samson had long hair.

Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse?

So did Peter, Paul - well?, lots of folks did.

But God doesn't require a job interview. He doesn't hire and fire like most bosses, because He's more our Dad than our Boss.
God doesn't look at financial gain or loss. He's not prejudiced or partial, not judging, grudging, sassy, or brassy, not deaf to our cry, not blind to our need.
As much as we try, God's gifts are free. We could do Wonderful things for wonderful people, and still not be... Wonderful.
Satan says, You're not worthy. Satan looks back and sees our mistakes. God looks back and sees the cross. He doesn't calculate what you did. If it's repented sin, it's not even in the record.
Sure. There are lots of reasons why God shouldn't want us. But if we are utterly in love with Him, if we hunger for Him more than our next breath, He'll use us in spite of who we are, where we've been, or what we look like.

Miscellaneous Quotes

Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited, until you try to get into their church pew.

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. --Fred Allen

Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.

I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you?

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. --Oliver Wendell Holmes