Thursday, February 22, 2007
Satan Goes to Church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do. "Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't. "Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?” The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess. "The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Guess Who's Wanted?
the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,
the NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,
the NOW for not choosing a woman apostle,
the ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever harms children, it is better that they had never been born,
the INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions,
and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit.
Growth For The 1990s Generation
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a cesarean." Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby.... but I vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian."
Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A. A pool table.
Q.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. What’s E.T short for?
A. Because he’s only got little legs.
Q. How many letters in the alphabet?
A. 24, E T Went home!
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Atheist?
A. He doubted the existence of Dog.
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.
So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!
Monastery of Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may now say another two words, Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John. The Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today, Brother John."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably for the best," said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."
If you think you are holier than thou and God needs you, you are probably in the wrong crowd!
David's armor didn't fit.
John Mark was rejected by Paul.
Hosea's wife was a prostitute.
Amos' only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning...
Solomon was too rich.
Abraham was too old.
David was too young.
Timothy had ulcers.
Lazarus was dead.
John was self-righteous.
Paul was a murderer.
So was Moses.
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a gossip.
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a loudmouth.
Martha was a worry-wart.
Mary was lazy.
Samson had long hair.
Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse?
So did Peter, Paul - well?, lots of folks did.
But God doesn't require a job interview. He doesn't hire and fire like most bosses, because He's more our Dad than our Boss.
God doesn't look at financial gain or loss. He's not prejudiced or partial, not judging, grudging, sassy, or brassy, not deaf to our cry, not blind to our need.
As much as we try, God's gifts are free. We could do Wonderful things for wonderful people, and still not be... Wonderful.
Satan says, You're not worthy. Satan looks back and sees our mistakes. God looks back and sees the cross. He doesn't calculate what you did. If it's repented sin, it's not even in the record.
Sure. There are lots of reasons why God shouldn't want us. But if we are utterly in love with Him, if we hunger for Him more than our next breath, He'll use us in spite of who we are, where we've been, or what we look like.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. --Fred Allen
Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched
Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you?
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. --Oliver Wendell Holmes
Friday, February 16, 2007
This is the 3rd recent post, check below for the older ones. :)
At the end of each post you can click on a link to post your comments and it would be fun if you let us know you are reading the blog. I don't think you have to have an account if you click the Anonymous option but I'd hope you'd put your name in the text. Thanks!
Paige is still working at the consignment furniture place and is getting to know her co-workers. We are planning to get together with some of them socially soon. At Christmas the owners gave them all a party where you could go to different stations and make meals to be cooked later, I know the place has a name but I can’t thing of it and we met the spouses and were met by the spouses and it was a nice time. We also went over to help Paige’s boss move and got to interact a bit more. We want to go to “Hillbilly Hideaway” for dinner as a group in the near future. “Hillbilly Hideaway” is the restaurant we took Gail and Alan Mutke (Paige’s Mom and her husband) to when they came and visited. It’s an All-You-Care-To-Eat place that serves home cookin’ country style. Anyone who comes to visit will probably get to eat there. We have friends at the church as well. The Jernigans’ (Rick, Margaret, Mary Catherine and Little Ricky.) They are the first people we met (They offered the use of their truck) and we go out for lunch after church occasionally. John and Heather Oates are a young couple we met at the Connection (A newcomers luncheon at church) and we went to their families party for Thanksgiving. The couple that watched our boys when we went to California are William and Wendy Tolley and they have 2 kids and they are in our “How to Follow Jesus” class on Sunday night. They came over for lunch before we left to get to know the boyz (Gar & Loki) a bit. It’s been really nice getting to know people and are excited to continue to get to know them.
Our lives are pretty full but it keeps us out of trouble. Sundays we go to church at Calvary Chapel of the Triad at 9am. Pastor David McGee teaches verse-by-verse from the New Testament on Sundays and we are currently in Acts. As I said earlier Sunday nights we go to the “How to Follow Jesus” class and when that is over we might get into a small group or look into working with the youth because they have a service at night. Paige and I both have a heart to see youth on fire for Christ. Monday is one of Paige’s days off so we go to the church and volunteer in the “Blessing Room” where people donate clothes and other people can take for free. We go through the bags of donated clothes and sort, hang or fold them. It’s a great ministry and really helps people out. We are usually there a good part of the day and are blessed to be able to eat lunch at the church with the staff. Tuesday and Wednesday I go to the church after I drop Paige off at work and spend the day doing whatever needs to be done. Recently I placed, cut and glued carpet squares throughout the children’s area and have been painting. Thursday we go to church and Pastor David teaches verse-by-verse through the Old Testament and we are currently in 1 Samuel. We are planning on working with the “Sparkle” team to help clean up after the Thursday service. Friday I go back to the church after dropping Paige off. Saturday I try and get stuff done around the house and if it’s not too cold, the yard. Sunday we start all over again. We are truly blessed to be able to do all the things we had hoped we could. Right now I’m in the process of trying to get into the Forsyth County Prison and High Point Jail. I’m hoping to build a small team to go in and minister, whether in groups of inmates or one-on-one in cells. Whatever doors the Lord opens we will walk through. I’m also looking into volunteering at the local Christian Television Station to learn all I can about that sort of ministry. Our church has a pretty serious media team with television and radio shows so it would be a great place to get involved. This was always the plan when we left Boise and only God could have made it happen. PTL. -m
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Another early morning here is Southern California. The weather has been really nice, sunny and warm. The memorial service was nice, it was at a Lutheran church that the Grandparents had attended for many years and at which Mally had provided some beautiful stained glass pieces. The Pastor really knew Mally so he could speak about him. Family and friends stood up and remembered him and we celebrated his life. A lady spoke to us in the Fellowship Hall after the service and said there was one aspect of Mally that wasn’t mentioned. He liked to eat. We like to eat too as you know if you’ve followed this blog much. It’s one of those things that prove how much God loves us. He gave us an amazing variety of things to enjoy. We remember a time when Mally and Myrl came to visit us in Boise and we took them to our favorite Mexican restaurant. We aren’t even sure what he ordered but when it came out it was on a plate the size as a trashcan lid. Nobody thought he could finish it all but he did.
We chatted with most everyone in the family, which is like conversing with a small village. Which is good for wannabe missionaries, spreadin’ the good news is not just cracking people upside the head with the Bible. We enjoyed visiting with everyone but a few people stand out; Glenn Wolf (Paige’s Cousin), who is an artist (He gave us a terrific botanical print as a wedding gift, and it has been all over the country with us.) As it usually does in most of our conversations, church came up and he told us that in the early 70’s he attended some concerts put on by Calvary Chapel. It was especially interesting because that was the early days of our church. We always look forward to seeing Glenn and hearing what’s going on in his life. Jed and Layne Cook (Jed’s a cousin) live in Washington State and travel the country. Gail (Paige’s Mom) gave the Cook’s our blog address and they had been following it, it is fun to think we are not the only ones reading this. Layne is an artist as well. I had seen a postcard of the “Love Among Belted Cows” painting and really enjoyed it. You can see more of here art at http://www.rovzargallery.com/main/cook1.html We also spent time with Jim Otstott (Spell-check thinks Otstott is spelled wrong. Suggestions include: Potshot, Tosspot, Hotspot and Hotshot.) Jim’s a cousin. We always have a good time with the Otstott’s and hope they will come visit us when they visit Ginger’s family out here. It’s hard to believe Bradley’s 8.
We went to Harvest Christian Fellowship which is Evangelist Greg Laurie’s church in Riverside, CA. http://www.harvest.org/ We had been there before and love it. It’s a huge church. The first time we went we loved it and wished that we could have attended it. At that time we knew we were leaving Boise and even though we attended a church that we believed in and supported, we knew we were leaving so we never really put down roots. So when we went to Harvest in Riverside we fell in love. This time was a bit different, it was the same and everything was great but it wasn’t home. Calvary Chapel of the Triad is our home. Pastor Greg is terrific but he’s not our Pastor David. We learned that we truly are home now so when we visit we can enjoy other Pastors but we still have our Shepherd in NC. Pastor Greg does Crusades (without killing anyone, unlike those other Crusades) all over the world. He is going to be in Raleigh, NC June 22nd through the 24th 2007 http://www.harvest.org/crusades/2007/raleigh/
and Anaheim @ Angel’s Stadium August 3rd through the 5th 2007 as well as Turlock, CA @ CSU Stanislaus August 24th through the 26th 2007. http://www.harvest.org/crusades/2007/turlock/ We are planning on attending the Raleigh Crusade, and God willing, working it. These events are always free and have incredible musical guests. Check em’ out if they come to your area, you might be surprised.
Here is the link to our church in North Carolina as well. You can listen to the messages online if you are so inclined. It's cool.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
It’s about 5am Pacific Standard Time and we aren’t at home. We flew in to California yesterday to attend Paige’s Grandfather Malvern “Mally” McCall’s memorial. The memorial will be later today but my body still thinks it is in Eastern Standard Time. The flight wasn’t too bad and we didn’t have as much of a layover as we thought. We flew out of Charlotte and it was pretty painless. Some friends from church are watching the mutz. What a blessing! We spent the evening visiting with the family (Myrl, Paige’s Grandmother; Gail, Paige’s Mom; Alan, Gail’s husband and Jim, Paige’s cousin.)
Paige’s Grandfather Mally McCall was a great man and I loved him. It really is strange to be in Redlands without him here. The girls (Myrl, Gail and Paige) would all go and talk about their girly things while Mally and I would talk. I sure missed it. He would speak of his time as a machinist at a company called Modine. He would speak of his stained glass and other parts of their lives through the years. I could listen to him for hours. I would always look forward to spending time with him when we got the chance. I remember him very fondly and will miss him but am glad that he won’t have to suffer. I know that he was tired and ready to go and I long to be where he is. See you later, Mally!